Match Reports

Scorer(s): Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott

Player of the Match: Jack Ingham

Fortunately unlike weeks previously when I have been assigned match reporting duties, I have film courtesy of Carl Parkes to assist my memory on the summary of the game (thanks Carl love you lots x)

This weeks affairs was against the rather whingey and whiney Upminster whom, we convincingly beat 5-2 earlier in the season.

Amidst a player shortage we had two new players amongst our ranks: Jim Suett, Jack Ingham

After a strong performance in the warmup Witham were in good spirits despite the cold and icy conditions- the first half began and play was for the majority- in the reds half with many attacks from Witham however, unluckily with no resulting goal. Around 10 mins into the first half play was flowing more evenly between both halfs and defenders Sinco, Jack and vegan 🌱 were being tested more and more each possession however their strength and tenacity held up well until the ball was stolen by an attacker and was slipped under Joe for Upminster opening game of the affair.

Not much else happened in the first half aside from my sliding jab tackle that I would like to mention as well as Jacks brilliant skill immediately after- video timestamp: (15:46 if anyone would like to take a look) 😙 Who said Dick of the days can't defend 🤪

Right… after a corralling and inspiring team talk from both kez and huzza- onto the second half we go and Witham were also strong out of the gates and managed to pull the game by Mikey brilliantly winning a flick and ed Cooly slotting it onto the top left corner to equalise proceedings. the game was opening for Witham with a number of chances and short corners which we were unlucky not to put in the back of the net.

Attitude and behaviour seemed to be a big issue for the w*nkers in red with 4 of their players being booked with green cards for various offences.

Towards the end of the game Witham were driving towards a potential goal with a number of chances at one end- however Upminster managed to break through us twice and we conceded two unfortunate goals in quick succession. This put the score to 3-1 with under a minute to go

Rather bemusedly the games notable events were not over, after a silly back stick from myself and giving away the ball, another w*nker in red piped up behind me to say Wheey fuck off mate which i turned to respond to. Jonno blew the whistle and threw a green card up in our direction- thinking it was for the rather unkind words from the red player I turned and waved goodbye to him however I would shortly be embarrassed by discovering I was the one being dismissed from the game despite not knowing what the offence was. The red player thought he had been green carded together and holding hands, we walked off together however he would be reassured by jonno who confirmed I was the only one being green carded to which he turned to me laughed and shouted wheeeey in my direction. Jonno blew the whistle to stop the game once more and green carded him for dissent ( clearly he didn't want to be away from me for very long x )

The game ended in a 3-1 loss for Witham however there were shines of class within the loss and we look forward to face top of the league next week for a blockbuster game against Brentwood 1s

Goals- ed (great penalty flick by the way idk how you do it!) Assists- mikey- rather indirect by winning the flick but and assist nonetheless (carries my hockey fantasy league at this point)

Cards- Noah- Dotd for hitting the ball away apparently???? I'm still unsure what it was for if I'm honest but we move.

Motm- Jack for dancing around pressing forwards like an African tribesman as well as carrying out defensive duties brilliantly & distributing the ball well.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird, Noah Eardley

Player of the Match: Noah Eardley

The Story of the forgetful captain.

The year was 2024, the anticipation of the return of hockey once again written about by the forgetful captain. The squad was bare so how would this Witham side fare, with just 11 merry men and a rabbit, extreme emphasis on the rabbit says coach Hurrell.

You could tell in the Parkes household hockey hadn't been played for a while, a rare sight of Carl Parkes being ready to leave before the due time, something that only comes around once in a blue moon. Armoured with his trusty three quarter lengths and flip flops covering his winter tan lines he was ready to battle with the never ending home army.

A thought from the forgetful captain, has everything been returned into the away day DeLorean? He certainly hoped so, stick - check, shin pads - check, water bottles - check. That's about right he thought and off we set.

It was bitterly cold on arrival, and just like at the home of Witham, even colder in the changing rooms too. The plan was detailed, the 11 men knew their roles as to how we could topple the full squad. A David vs Goliath story was set in the making. The return of the half court press. Let's get a good warm up in to show them how it's done, then it's asked of the forgetful captain, dear sir do you have the balls for practice. The forgetful captain is distraught, another time he knew the honour of writing this would be his, before the day had even started. We gathered what resources we had and took all 8 balls out to the pitch.

For much of the game the half court press worked. Chances still be had, the increased angst from the home side as we held them at bay, just as they got some hope, their surprised strikers were met by the beast in orange at the edge of the D, other times a sliding jab tackle from Joel. Worried, of course. Successful, we were.

A slow push onto a foot, first short corner to defend. Come on guys, hold out for this one, keep it at 0-0. Or so everyone expected, oh no, how foolish were we to think it would be that straight forward. Would it have made it to the goal? Unlikely. Was it given a penalty flick? Of course. Was it one of the best flicks I've ever seen? Quite possibly. Nestling into the top right corner at speed, the orange beast had no chance.

The forgetful captain's day did improve, he had fun. He managed to rile a number of the home sides players, being called a “prick” for taking a free hit (when it was his to do so), appealing for a decision to then be called “a very strange man” or when he nutmegged one unfortunate player, for his teammate to call the forgetful captain a word not fit for this report, as he was told to duly stay clever and keep his legs together.

The forgetful captain was pleased by his teams performance, it took guts and determination to hold them at bay. Edwyn, terrorising their left hand side along with his noble guard dog Noah. Dan and Cam ever present in the middle of the pitch, showing the skills they are capable of and not least the work rate that goes with it. Mikey and Fin hunting the defenders and pressuring them into mistakes. Jacob covering every blade of fake grass and linking well with those around him. It was a joy to behold watching this team once again as it always is. The mix of frustration knowing we could do better but the excitement seeing our intricate play come off and pass round them like they're cones. The future is exciting.

Alas, the forgetful captain's game was cut short. After his laughs throughout the day. It soon turned to aggression. “How dare he?” and “it's always him”, they cried (literally). The aggressive captain he is now known as, held his stick at hip height and allowed his opposite number to run into the back of him and get hit in his private regions, what a mean man the aggressive captain was.

This didn't stop the Witham side stay on the front foot. 4-1 down, with 10 men on the pitch. A short corner was won, the full time whistle goes. “Last goal wins!” Bellowed around the ground. It was scrappy but it made it in, the final touch from Noah. The forgetful captain exclaimed from the sideline, what a win that was.

The forgetful captain has realised while writing this that he did forget to do the obligatory three cheers at the end of the game to add to his tally.

Well, a 4-2 loss but a spirited performance, a lot to be positive about with our play. The forgetful captain's day was coming to an end. But then, a message from Mikey - “Did anyone leave this at the pitch”. The forgetful captain's heart sank again, he knew what he had done. His stick was left alone on the sideline. He now looks forward to his bidding war in next week's auction to win it back.

Scorer(s): Marc Tovell

Player of the Match: Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott

Following a fortnight of hockey withdrawal, our return was to none other than Braintree's eerie turf. The rain was set to descend upon us once again in a game full of deceit – a feat we have overcome many a time. But alas, while our minds were forged in spirit, our bodies were feeble to the occasion.

Our day began with a startling revelation; overshadowed by some impulsive psychopathic tendencies – from none other than Carl Soprano! With his murderous ways, he ensured our young Joseph was wide awake that steely morning. Even with witnesses present, a stern-looking Carl avowed “somebody's gonna get whacked” as, suddenly, he ploughed through heavy traffic, heading the wrong way around a roundabout at a calculated 88 miles per hour, only to attempt to force Joseph off the road. Thankfully, all necks remained intact, and our beloved Joseph was fitted with an ICD the next morning. Oof marone!

It was a fair beginning to our fixture – a few attempts here and there from either side, but no final product arose from early dawn. However, a variety of questionable decisions spelt a tyrannical overtone in our direction, as the woes of some frightful corners planted a seed before us; little could we argue, without dissent, or else our integrity risked being dissolved. In spite of that, our gradual momentum was fragmented – countless interruptions spelt great distraught. Not one, nor two, three, or four? “Nonsense!” the umpires maintained. It was a simple one to ascertain: much was to be overlooked this game.

In dire straits, Dan the fine gentleman was a brute; for no man could reign over his desire to win that fateful day. As always, he got the action, and he got the motion, given his dedication and devotion. Oh yeah, the boy can play. Unfortunately, however, his first touch was abysmal.

The return of the mighty Sinclair brought solace; to the adulation of his comrades, our strength only grew. As well, one Witham wunderkind was all set to return to his fiendish schedule, following doctor's orders. Since nobody runs rings around defenders like this wee fella, Santa's Little Noah was back at it again, cascading a whirlwind upon his targets. Notwithstanding his terrific work rate, Santa's Little Noah just couldn't help but fall back into his bad ha – he only knows how to go too far.

Meanwhile, Cam the magnificent beast, bravely threw himself into numerous tackles, as he shrieked “ugh, where's the G&T”. Already the man with the golden tan received explicit orders to go no further than his forbidden corner. However, some sneaky tequila, sambuca, and margarita proved consequential; as he skipped his way, closer and closer, he hadn't a care in the world – but he was sure feelin' good.

With great force, Mikey devised his magical prowess upon many men, on countless occasions. His spunky demeanour and luscious moves were no match for his foes. Our clinical sharpshooter kept on coming and coming, gagging for a goal. He went on long and hard to slot that ball, but he was unable to find the right spot. Still, he provided excellent service and did enormous favours up front, even without protection – “it's all good” at that time of the month. Dissatisfied, Mikey cheered himself up with a post-match sausage – a treat he proudly confessed to liking (“6.6 inches” in size, to be precise).

Fortunately, we still had the big gun at our disposal: BIG GAZZA. Jacob was still, standing in the wind. He never waved, but he tried, oh he tried, and never fell for their modern stuff. Soon enough, the gazelle of a geezer secured an assist to add to his tally! #Robbery

It's all a dream, an illusion now. It must come true, sometime soon somehow. All across the land, we were down by four. This comes to pass when our Marc then scored.

We were holding out for a hero 'til the end of the half. Now, he's not that strong, nor that fast, but Jay sure does run riot. The silver-tongued, athletic god wreaked havoc across the four corners of the blue realm - reinforcing that he truly is the epitome of ‘size doesn't matter' – as according to his three girlfriends.

Another crazy day, way down on Baker's Street, as he never looked dead on his feet. The trooper put in a great shift on the frontline; seizing every opportunity he could – just like the good ol' days. Although he did say he'd be givin' up the booze and the one-night stands, and forget about everything, but he is the rolling stone after all.

In time, the home players were rattled, and a couple were rightly admonished. Following some further classic Braintree shithousery, another corner was awarded. We inquired, like a barbershop quartet, “what for, what fooor, what fooooor, what foooooooor?” Still, nada outta ol' Johnny Tightlips. Young Joseph did not enjoy the silence – all he ever wanted, all he ever needed, was an answer. But words were very unnecessary for Johnny. In the meantime, Kez did not enjoy Jospeh's pleasantries, politely responding “Quiet please, or I will slap your beard off. Capisce?”

Nevertheless, our goalkeeper had the last laugh. Unbeknown to dear Joseph, a loose ball headed for his domain, having been catapulted through our defence. Braintree chased. The race was on; their eyes locked, young Joseph fought off the threat with a cunning play, as he taunted a helpless critter, trapping him in the gloom of a bleak opportunity. Our Joseph's noble deed did not go unnoticed, as he retained the moral high ground whilst we continued to be shafted with our comfortable three-goal deficit intact.

Oh, but wait. The same critter then decided on getting some more action... Like a hefty, whopping, ginormous turd, the young gentleman collapsed to the ground with great ferocity, claiming a foul! In that moment, Ed cried, “Please, good sir! Do get up, for that was a dive.” In return, the flop exclaimed, “What did you just say to me, my good man?” Clearly, absolutely nothing more was exchanged and all was forgiven (after I broke his legs and force fed him brussels sprouts). Yet another card was warranted as the conniving tricksters were at it again. “For shame!” as Unai Hurrell knew these treacherous acts merited remonstrations (a good bollocking).

The final whistle promptly arrived. Another loss on the road was a bitter pill to swallow, to say the least. But all in all, it was clear to see, we were never discouraged, nor fragmented thereafter. It is important to remember that in times like these we must recuperate and mustn't fall into the darkness.

How we all need Joel, or there's no fucking hope in hell, that it would end. Wishing Campbell mends, Christmas time, just let us win in peace.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird, Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott

Player of the Match: Joe Nichols

Green giants gobsmacked by glorious gameplay

Witham set out to top table team chelmsford 2s. The day started as a wet one, not due to bad weather, but a leaky water bottle.

The yellows set out to hold chelmsford to a half court press, backing our defence against a tenacious chelmsford team.

The game started with Chelmsford bemused by the tactical move from witham, flinging reckless aerials off the pitch. Within only a handful of minutes, chelmsford forgot that they needed to defend as well.

A quick breakaway from the gazelle like legs of Jacob and mikey left the Chelmsford mids and forwards in the dust. Some quick passes to slot the ball around the Chelmsford keeper.

1 - 0 to witham.

Steadfast in their tactical strategy saw witham park the colloquial bus with likes of cam, sinco, Eddy, and Tyson defending valiantly. Super keeper Joe was called on several times but to no avail. Chelmsford turned green with envy as the half time whistle blew.

In the second half, witham found themselves more comfortable, using the likes of parks, kezza, and metcalf to pick up the ball in the midfield and quickly move it on for breakaway attacks for suett, valentine, and Baker to chase, assisted by mikey.

Witham held on until a breakaway 1-on-1 materialised for young mikey. The ball was elegantly slipped around the keeper, only for mikey to be assaulted.

Despite the clear foul, mikey was unsure the umpire had seen, so pulled a forward somersault into pike with a half twist, to ensure the foul was noticed.

The previously green goalkeeping machine saw yellow for his crimes. A penalty stroke was awarded, and without a keeper, flick man Ed had no trouble brining the score line to 2-0 with a bottom left corner flick.

Witham unwavering in their tactics kept to the half court press. As legs tired and mistakes crept in, chelsmford saw several waves of attacks resulting in a short corner. Despite having been poor on previous attempts, chelmsford dragged a well executed injection at the right hand side of the goal, only to be deflected around the keeper.

2-1.

Rectums tightened but witham remained committed to the gameplan, defending heroically and releasing to the mids and forwards to relieve pressure. As the game clock dwindled, witham made sure to slow the game and take the steam out of the overconfident chelmsford side. True to the cause, tyson pulled his hamstring and made sure to feign injury and slow down the game.

Witham held off and the final whistle blew. Chelmsford had flown too close to sun and been unraveled by a simple tactical change. Chelmsford let a out a measly three cheers and left the pitch dumbfounded. Witham victorious left the pitch in triumph.

A big three points for witham, who now look to spank other local rivals Maldon next week.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird, Dan Metcalfe, Noah Eardley

Player of the Match: Noah Eardley

A cold yet bright Saturday at Spinks Lane Fortress unfortunately started with a lack of showing from both Sinclair and Tovell. Maybe they did not want to listen to Parkes K and Hurrell's pre match dulcet tones, or maybe the traffic really was that bad! We will never know.

The whistle started the game and immediately our visitors were on the front foot. Some fantastic defending from Gerrard-Abbott, Parkes C, Brown and Nichols to keep Plashet at bay.

The first half flew by with Plashet and Witham going toe-to-toe in all areas of the pitch. Once Sinclair decided to arrive for the game (in body and not mind) the midfield of a brace of Parkes and Metcalfe started to go to work!

The game was very much in the balance after an exchange of goals from both sides coming towards half time. Clinical finishing from Eardley and Metcalfe partnered with real energy from Valentine, Lawrence and Wilson put Witham into a slender lead. Towards the end of the first half, in true Plashet style, one of their more talkative players decided that using the stick was not enough and raised an elbow to the face. Red card, off you pop sir.

2-1 to the home side at half time and against 10 men Witham were confident to control the game and go and take all 3 points. The visitors however had other ideas.

In a flurry of 10 minutes of pressure just after half time, Plashet turned the score from 2-1 to 2-4 with some very skilful play mixed in with some poor Witham quality and composure. A mountain to climb!

Witham came back into the game after this barrage and our illustrious 2nd top scorer (very important piece of information) Bird slotted home to make it 3-4 with under 10 mins to go.

Despite the extra man Plashet used all of the tricks in their armory and a distinct lack of discipline from Sinclair, picking up his 2nd green card of the game, meant the away side held out for 3 points.

Disappointing result but good performance from many on the pitch!

Onwards to Chelmsford away which proves to be a real test of the local traffic, as well as Witham's young talented side.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird (2), Tom Sinclair, Marc Tovell (3)

Player of the Match: Jacob Lawrence

When coach heard the mighty Witham had Bas Vegas and Ally Pally lined up in back-to-back Saturdays he was heard humming Chase the Sun for weeks as he thoroughly enjoyed the evening strolls at the Adult Education Centre; that sometimes lacked the promised adults however, back on the sideline of Basildon coach had the right inspiring words at half-time to turn a teetering 1-0 lead into a comfortable 6-0 win with the highlight being the magic moment when coach threw on the willing Marc Torvell who, within a minute, had made the critical link-up play to secure Witham's sixth goal, earn him the man-of-the-match after his neat hat-trick, and for coach to be heard saying "that is brilliant from the kids". Clearly coach already had thoughts on stealing Marc's towel and causing this little text to be created on his behalf by the next oldest person on the pitch; or was number 7 older than Parker...

Basildon were let down by some no shows, but Witham still had to play their hockey and when the focus drifted Basildon were still able to threaten the ball-boy Joe Nichols. Tom 'sinco' Sinclair was commanding at the back, as usual, and remained hunting the opponents circle when a short corner broke down resulting in a long corner that Mikey Bird retrieved faster than a burst pipe for senior Parkes to find the intelligent Torvell who rounded the defender in a training drill move of attacking the left shoulder before picking out Sinclair in that perfect in-the-grove pass. This was a similar move when Cam 'octopus' Brown intercepted and laid in senior Parkes who fired the ball beyond the falling keeper for Bird's second. Edwyn Gerrard-Abbot used the space in front of him well and Joel Tyson enjoyed covering every inch of the pitch after getting bored at left-back. Jacob Lawrence, Jay Valentin and Noah Eardley created the overloads with their energy and link-up play with the best hockey moment was some tidy possession in the left corner were the triangle of Lawrence, Eardley and captain Parkes created the space for Parkes to direct a precision ball onto the fire post just out of reach of the Witham forwards; which, after the postal votes were counted Thursday morning, earned Jacob Lawrence the man-of-the-match.

Next week Witham start a crucial 5-week journey towards the Christmas break with a string of games that see them play 4 teams that currently sit within 6 points above them. Hopefully coach may have gotten someone to read this to him and he will be giving it the large Kolo Yaya Toure at the Wally Bally Saturday evening.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird (2), Dan Metcalfe, Carl Parkes, Noah Eardley, Marc Tovell

Player of the Match: Noah Eardley

So Witham took on those boys from Southend Hoping to win and make amends for rocky form in the last few weeks Ride out the troughs, achieve more peaks

Coach was back, and Huzza wanted focus Rightly so, but instead was atrocious messing around with pre-match waxing Minds on the game shouldn't be so taxing...

But despite the nonsense Witham rallied Warmed up well, and confidence they carried into the game, and started well ... enough that is, not to excel

Before too long Witham were ahead Defending tightly and putting to bed well worked chances from good team hockey Marc's form on goal could make him more cocky

But he's not like that; he's a real team player Missing Campbell? There's no danger Next up was Metcalfe, nice on the reverse To do it strong side would seem perverse

Then up stepped Noah; man of the match He ran all day, but what a snatch To get round the back, one on one with the keeper His tidy finish couldn't have been any neater

Half time now and three nil up But that would simply not be enough For this quality Witham hockey team Let's go for ten, possible or dream?

We started the second as we ended the first Southend came strong with dangerous bursts But the defensive trio left no hole Take a bow big Sinco, Ed and Joel

The pitch opened up and we used it all Ran the channels, used the ball Blink and you missed it - Mikey passed! But once was enough; it wouldn't last

He wanted his goal, that's for sure Crazy angles, could do more Spat the dummy but still pressed hard And bagged a couple; well deserved

Quiet day for Joe, you might assume But hold your breath, don't speak too soon A crunching challenge, without the ball Flick and yellow? Not at all.

Then the umpire arrived on the scene He was no Cheryl (where's she been) Bonkers decisions, average chat But yellow to Metcalfe and that was that

What happened next I do forget But for Carl to score you wouldn't bet Then he did you know; the man's a legend And up the fantasy league he'll ascend

So it finished six nil, a tidy scoreline Though let's be honest it wasnt sublime But onwards we go, nine points in the bag And chicks dig winners, so who'll get a ...

Scorer(s): Kieron Parkes, Tom Sinclair

Player of the Match: Kieron Parkes

Off our win last week against Chelmsford 3s we were in high spirits entering our away clash with the purple and yellow of saffron Walden we had a strong lineup in deepest darkest Essex county:

The game began evenly with equal ball distribution between the two teams, however saffron Walden were on the upper hand and swiftly scored a well worked goal which sailed past Joe in goal into the top right corner.

After Saffron Walden's early goal in the first half, Witham responded relatively well with some good chances in their box, with no avail. However jay dribbled brilliantly between the saffron Walden defenders, putting it on one of their feet inside the D winning a short corner. Despite practicing short corners for the last couple of weeks with tactics and moving the ball onto the post, as sinco lined up to take the short he thought 💭 f*** that and decided to t*** it into the bottom left corner for a goal as a result of brilliant play from the lovebird himself (jay).

Somewhat ironically, saffron Walden responded immediately putting another goal into the back of Joes net (bit of a bad day at the office eh Joe?) ( he forgot to take his tren this morning so he was feeling a little under the weather. Another person who was similarly feeling a bit under the weather was Marc who caught cholera from the last pool he fixed

The first half ended magnificently with a goal from Kieran after great play after winning a long corner, catching the purples defence off guard resulting in an impressive goal for the skipper and today's man of the match. Then almost instantly saffron Walden scored to put them ahead at the break.

After an inspirational half time team talk from the captain, Witham were ready and raring to go after a relatively lacklustre first half.

Second half began as the second did, with saffron Walden dominating possession and winning it back quickly after losing it, then momentum switched with long balls respectively to myself and Jacob, opening up the defence and creating chances on the counterattack which we were unlucky not to put away.

The second half was quite even with chances at both ends however Witham were unable to find a way into the back of the goal on a number of occasions denying us of a third goal of the afternoon and an equaliser whilst saffron Walden were able to put a fourth goal past joe.

Final score: 2-4 loss

Scorer(s): Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott, Mikey Bird

Player of the Match: Jacob Lawrence

Witham where in high hopes after there recent win at Upminster, Brentwood turned up with a speaker which got us all ready and in the mood.

Brentwood had push back and within the first 3 minutes they went 1-0 up with out witham touching the ball, we all kept are heads high as we Carried on going we had a good few attempts but nothing out or them. After about 25 minutes they went 2-0 up a good quick move from Brentwood. We carried on going, Brentwood had a short and put it away with a good reverse stick. We had a chance mikey went through on goal went past the defender and the keeper wiped him out (definitely not a dive) and we won a flick Ed stepped up but unfortunately the keeper saved it.

3-0 HT

We came back out for the second half with high hopes and still believing we had a chance, we had a short corned with landed in Jacobs hands he shot and it was kicked off the line by the Brentwood player (definitely not going wide). Ed stepped up agin and this time put it away 3-1 back in the game. After a few opportunities Brentwood made it 4-1 and put the game to bed. With a few minutes to go we had a opportunity from a free hit captain kez played a ball through to mikey who slotted it in the bottom corner 4-2. The full time whistle went FT 4-2 Brentwood, witham although the loss still had are heads up after a great performance from everyone.

Scorer(s): Marc Tovell (3), Mikey Bird, Noah Eardley

Player of the Match: Marc Tovell

Witham looked to rebound from their wobbly start to the season with a positive result against newly promoted Upminster.

Despite last weeks result, spirits were high and everyone meeting at the club appreciated Goalkeeper Nichols agile parking skills (the most interesting thing he did that day).

After meeting and somehow parking at Upminster, the Witham youth decided to warm up by throwing around a ball and terrorising the general public (and Edwin). This somehow resulted in a fantastic warm up for Witham with some quick passing and impressive shooting, especially from Mikey bird who managed to snipe a birds nest out of the tree behind the goal.

Witham started the game on the front showing to the promoted side why they finished second in the league the previous season. Witham dominated thanks to a strong midfield display which included the rare sight of Cam showing for the ball

The first half ended 3-0 to Witham after two clever finishes from forward Mark and a welcome goal for the aggressive child Noah. As a result of this dominance the game started to become very routine for Witham, thankfully returning midfielder Dan decided to get in a fight with the opposition resulting in the umpire have a polite work with multiple Witham players.

Witham came out strongly in the second half thanks to hard work from the entire team and some key interceptions from the entire defence helping to keep the opposition away from the Witham goal. This control resulted in Witham scoring another two goals, one for hat-trick hero and man of the match Marc and one for bird killer Mikey.

After scoring these two Witham dropped off and Upminster began to grow into the game. Despite a fantastic interception from Noah a short corner was unfairly given as he missed his reverse stick clearance and tried to hit through the opposition forward stick - a very reasonable and measured response to losing the ball from the angry child. This short corner sadly resulted in a goal and a second from a subsequent short corner followed.

Thankfully the scoring ended there and Witham ended the game with a 5-2 win and a much needed confidence boost. Everyone left the pitch in high spirits, especially defender Sinco who reminded Noah to never enter the D again or he would hunt his family - a happy ending for all.

Scorer(s): N/A

Player of the Match: Tom Sinclair

The return of the Hockey season began with a much anticipated local rivalry at home to Braintree. After two tight battles last season it had potential to be the shining light of the opening day fixtures in what felt like the heat of Midsommar.

Witham started on the back foot and at times struggled to get out but didn't concede any clear cut chances thanks to the solid defence of Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott, Joel Tyson and man of the match Tom Sinclair. The task was made more difficult for the hosts when forward, Matt Campbell went down injured and will need some motherly care from Carrie for the next few weeks. There was some confusion halfway through the first half when the invisible man wearing a slightly different shade of red to the rest of the Braintree side wandered onto the pitch, he did later find the correct shirt to wear for the remainder of the match. Despite more dominance by Braintree the half time score was still 0-0

The second half started in a similar way which saw Braintree have more chances and this brought keeper Joe Nicholls into action with some brilliant sweeping and sublime saves. The descent of Witham's performance was thoroughly started when skipper Kieron Parkes got himself carded and had a spell in the green room. The midfield rotation of Carl Parkes, Cameron Brown, Noah Eardley, Jacob Lawrence and Alex Hunt kept energies high throughout the game but Witham did not provide enough cutting edge going forward resulting in misery for the forward duo of Marc Tovell and Mikey Bird.

The Witham changing room after the game was a quiet place reflecting on a poor start to their optimistic season. They will look to improve and find their first points of the season away to newly promoted Upminster for an early 11:30am start.

Scorer(s): Matt Campbell, Mikey Bird, Dan Metcalfe, Jacob Lawrence

Player of the Match: Jacob Lawrence

Witham travelled to struggling side of Braintree who currently sit 7th with one of the worst last 5 game records in the league only winning one of their last 5, despite Braintrees incredible form, Witham went their looking to carry on their exceptional unbeaten run of the year.

After an emotional pre match talk and some quite incredible mathematical skills by the legend himself Mathew Campbell, the team was pumped and raring to go excited to continue their quote sensational unbeaten run in 2023.

After a rather refreshing shower of rain and huzza and Jay having some intimate time, Witham were ready to get going, however Braintree they were not, so Neil decided to let the umpires know that we were definitely ready and should start the game, however he was quite frankly ignored by the umpires as they continue to delay the game just to give Braintree a little bit more of an edge. Pushback starts and Witham are immediately put under pressure by the opposition with them pelting shots at us left, right and centre winning them an early short corner which was so well defended by Mr Glanvill who deflected the ball past the post and off for a corner. Witham heroically held their shape and continued to defend preventing Braintree from putting one in the net. However despite this defending, Braintree broke the deadlock scoring a rather mediocre goal and acted like it was the goal of the season contender. This setback meant nothing to Witham as it was only in the early stages of the game and there was plenty of time to recover. Due to this being a local rivalry there was bound to be some rather bad tackles and a bit of beef between the teams, which didn't seem to phase the almighty Wits apart from one. Mr Eddy Weddy who I quote said "I stood my ground tackling him. He fell over my leg. He kicked me as he got up. Then he squared up to me. Then I got carded", however I refuse to believe that he got a card for doing nothing so there must be another side to the story that we will never know however this significantly aggravated me so I had do something about this, but we will get to that later. Anyway Witham start to build some momentum with some good shots and finally, with some relative play between myself and Dan we managed to weave our way through the Braintree team and Dan slotted the goal past the keeper, levelling the scores at 1-1. Now that Witham had levelled the playing field Braintree were starting to feel the pressure, however that did not stop from managing to score a goal, unfortunately I do not know when or how this happened but I'd imagine it was a simple finish that even Cameron could score but we move. As I mentioned earlier there was bound to be some cards with Ed already getting one Dan thought that he would love to join the Card Crew and got himself a green card for moaning or something like that. But moving on from that, with some extravagnet build up to get past the opposition Mikey was sat at back post ready to tap in a well worked goal. After this superb goal went in Witham were back in it and hugry for more, however half time came which slowed the momentum, none the less after half time and a motivational bit of evaluation from the Coach, kez, Matt and Dan, Witham were ready for the second half.

Whistle blows to begin the 2nd half

Witham line up the same as they finished. With the scores level at 2-2 witham looked to gain the edge, with some continued incredible defending throughout the game we managed to prevent Braintree from making it 3-2. Witham managed to secure the first goal of the second half with some great advancements through the Braintree side, Jacob with his persistence and determination to score a goal jabbed the ball about 5 times and eventually the ball trickled over the line, the crowd goes wild and we run back back the half way line celebrating. Braintree are now pooing themselves as they realise they might lose another local Derby. You could see the fear in their eyes as we continued to penetate their box with shot after shot, which eventually led to Matt scoring a beautiful shot past the keeper leaving him planted to the ground and amazed by what has just happened. Despite Briantree being 4-2 down they still tried to gain one back. Now as I was still enraged by this terrible decision against Edwyn I decided to get my own payback on that knob, I've just tracked back and saw my time to take this guy out, I decide to sacrifice my body by jumping on front of this guy taking both him and I out, however I came off worse as his 2 tonne muscly body landed on top of me(a lanky man), once I had got up from this life threatening situation the Braintree player thought it would be kind to give me my stick but no he was so cool that it would be fun to throw my stick away(what a knobhead). After a sensational tackle by sinco launching tricky onto the floor, tricky tried to be silky smooth and kick sinco which of course is never a good idea especially infront of the Umpire, funnily enough tricky got a yellow card which was very amusing to see. In the dying minutes of the game Jacob has been told to push up to the top left of the pitch by Parksy, from the 16 he pelts it up the line for me to dribble it play a through ball to matt who hits the ball at pace low to the ground at a perfect height and speed for Mikey to hit the ball into the goal but instead he thought that he would let it go off the base line for a 16. And that ladies and Gentlemen is my match report.

Honourable mentions - Matt being hit on the tip of his knob and thinking he can continue however as soon as the ball went off he went limping off the sideline in agony. However he did later come on and put an absolute shift in. Matt did continue to think his penis was broken in the car journey home and at the club. But I'm hoping it is alright now.

Scorer(s): Matt Campbell (5), Mikey Bird, Marc Tovell, Tom Sinclair, Dan Metcalfe

Player of the Match: Marc Tovell

After suffering two defeats in three fixtures against todays opponents, Waltham Forest 2nd XI, the yellow perils were in no mood for a Mexican stand-off and thrust themselves, like a Viking, against the visiting custodian with a last second switch of focus from the Hispanic approach onto the object of the day.

I started the day in the dark like usual, we bounced around for a while before being let out and receiving some pounding to warm our little dimples. Just when I thought my day was done, coach Neil Hurrell reached in and picked me for the task of replacing the, as usual, chosen white version. It was to be an Hispanic orange day after all.

The visitors showed they weren't just here for the longest stay in our clubhouse afterwards, respect! but showed the early pressure into the defensive lines of Edywn, Harry and Joel - but when the home side connected their passes the G-force was off the scale.

The first half saw the home side put the result to bed with solid possession, dominant play, and the tiqui-taca link up play that saw 5 goals slotted home. Skipper Kieron Parkes pushed home the charge with solid support on the flanks from Jay and some guy that's off to Spain that I've already forgotten. Marc was inspirational up top, probably inspired by the skippers pre-match chat, that saw him bag himself a silky goal, an assist and, the chance to be remembered next week after grabbing the Man-of-the-match award and a badge with his name on.

The visitors were not put off with the first half score line and pressed on again after the break however, it was the continued expansive play of the home side that kept the hands and voices of the spectators warm as I continued to find myself smashed against that backboard. Cam Brown quietly went about his business, getting Jay and Alex into the spaces to feed the assist-king Dan who actually hit a strong side shot, and Mikey putting together the pieces to leg-go and bag another goal to keep him top of the first teams goal tally.

My magic moment of the day was the amazing view of the London eye after that skilled Gypsy managed to launch me into the troposphere, just because he didn't want senior Parkes to get an assist - however, moments later that speedy big bloke asked him to do that special hip gig thing and Sinco made all those fantasy backers happy with a clean sheet defenders goal.

Senior Parkes did kindly give me the chance to spend an extra few seconds with that nice guy that watched from on the pitch - he needed all those extra clothes to stay warm, and he got me involved here – sweet Joe, thanks; those Mexicans weren't happy mind, tequila they shouted as the Gypsy walked tall with his 7 goal involvement day and some gorgeous shin pads that looked a bit big on his skinny legs.

Next week the promotion pushers travel to local rivals Braintree looking to cash in on any nerves from the top 4 as the season reaches the exciting times and the potential to pop into the world of music and find those golden yellow hats we love.

Scorer(s): Matt Campbell, Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott (2), Mikey Bird, Alex Hunt

Player of the Match: Alex Hunt

Witham travelled to Maldon full of hope and optimism after their unbeaten start to the new year. Despite this Coach Hurell reminded the team that after a two week break everyone would need to be at the top of their game to continue the good run of results.

The game started evenly with both Witham and Maldon penetrating the opposition D and winning short corners, however Witham found themselves a goal up after some good play from Mikey Bird resulted in the ball squeezing through the opposition goalkeeper and ending up in the back of the Maldon goal.

Maldon then increased the pressure but were kept at bay by the solid Witham defence of Sinco, Glanvill, Edwin and the substitute Ollie Mountier who made a last gasp block to keep the opposition at bay. This defensive effort was also aided significantly by the hard work and determination of the Witham midfield and attack, especially when the 'Philip Lahm of Hockey' Harry Glanvill earned himself his first Green card of his hockey career. Congratulations. The persistence of the midfield and attack to press from the front and track back was greatly appreciated by Goalkeeper Nichols.

Witham looked to be heading into the half time interval with a one-nil lead until Alex Hunt (on his debut for the first team this season) dribbled silkily through the Maldon defence and confidentially slotted the ball past the Maldon goalkeeper giving Witham a 2-0 lead going into the break.

The second half began with Witham on the front foot. This pressure quickly paid off after Witham won a Penalty Stroke after a Maldon defender was adjudged to deliberately block a shot on goal with their leg. This penalty was expertly dispatched by Edwin who gave the goalkeeper absolutely no chance whatsoever with the shot.

This penalty stroke was quickly followed by a second when Witham Striker and first team top goal scorer Mikey bird burst through on goal after some impressive skill, however despite rounding the goalkeeper and putting a shot on target Mikey was unable to get the goal after it was Illegally blocked on the line by a familiar Maldon defender. This goes without saying however for the formality of the match report, this penalty was also converted by the Cafu of Hockey Edwin.

From this point the game seemed like smooth sailing for Witham, however Maldon were awarded a penalty stroke after their striker ran into Goalkeeper Nichols. This penalty was cooly converted and put the pressure back onto Witham. Despite the pressure of conceding a goal, the midfield of Cameron Brown, Carl Parkes, Kieron Parkes and Jay Valentine worked to calm the game down and control the tempo allowing Witham to continue to dominate possession and create chances.

The game was wrapped after Witham were awarded their third penalty stroke after the tricky Matthew Campbell was adjudged to have been assaulted from behind by the opposition goalkeeper. After recognising the hard work that defender/midfielder/striker Campbell had put in, the Cafu of hockey allowed him to take the final flick which he cooly converted despite the opposition goalkeeper being familiar with his Penalty stroke technique.

The action of the game was almost over, however midfielder Kieron Parkes unjustly picked up a Yellow card when stopping a Maldon counter attack and seeing the Maldon Players stick half way across the pitch. Despite this Witham dug in and ended the game with he 5-1 result.

Special mention goes to Midfielder Noah Eardley for sacrificing his own game to defend excellently down the left-hand side and to Mark Tovell for consistently leading the line with some great link up play whilst also helping the Witham defence out of some tricky situations when tracking back. Man of the match went to debutant Alex Hunt after an impressive goal and all round display. Witham are next at home to Waltham Forest 2s as they look to continue their conquest up the league.

Scorer(s): Carl, Matt, Sinco, Jacob

Player of the Match: Joe

Well, Well, well we meet again my friends, I'm back after a brief period resting from match report but we're back with a bang and of course the game will be... plashet 🥳🥳🥳

( unfortunately el capitano was injured which ruined my day but then I realised it was the long awaited return of our cb sinco 🥳🥳)

Initially, we were dominant in the first 10 and we scored 2 as a result one, from the expertly placed strike from our man at the front Matt, and another from the stand- in captain Carl who slotted it in sensually sending shivers down their gks back. As we progressed, it was clear some of the plashet players were not very happy with the "state of refereeing" from both Widdle and their own, especially one silly goose who was holding the stick in a rather awkward fashion he proceeded to rant relentlessly with the refereeing and got himself sent off for two with a greed but was upgraded to yellow card due to arguing with quite possibly the most stubborn and brilliant ref in our club ( please don't send me off now widdle 🙏) that card distributed was surprisingly one of 5 sent out to the away side this weekend. We went into the break with a 2 goal lead.

After an inspirational team talk from both Kieron and Neil we went into the second half and almost immediately conceded a goal after an unfortunately brilliant run from their anger issue riddled player which was slotted in past joe in goal. Our bad luck continued when we conceded an unfortunate penalty flick which was confidently put away. Then, in an amazing turn of events, we started playing well again and won a short corner from well worked play from our midfield. Our Cb sinco stepped up, and with his first shot of the game put it away to make it 2-3 this goal apparently took the plashet defence by surprise as after another 5 mins, Jacob put away a brilliant strike to bring the goal difference to 2 goals, securing us the win. Funnily enough the reverse player who was rather silly throughout the game got himself given another yellow card after kindly requesting the ref killed himself which is quite rude In my opinion this was a rather stupid decision as it did not help his teams chances in winning the game ( pretty selfish if you ask me😂)

Honourable mention my darting run down the side skilling up the defence which was quite funny actually.

Final whistle- 2-4 win

Scorer(s): Matt Campbell (2), Dan Metcalfe, Mikey Bird

Player of the Match: Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott

In what was always going to be a tough fixture against Havering Witham weren't favourites in anyone's eyes however after a team talk calling for hard work and composure from the leadership duo of Kieron and Neil Witham took the field full of confidence. At risk of upsetting Edwyn, Dan Metcalfe and Marc Tovell started the game taking apart Haverings midfield and defence like a butcher frantically taking apart a rack of ribs discarding any opposition that came near them.

Any glimmer of an attack from Havering was blocked by the defensive wall of Harry Glanville, Joel Tyson and Edwyn Abbot who all put in a solid shift to help secure Witham a first clean sheet since before Christmas. With Witham controlling large spells of the game Carl parkes used his wisdom and experience to help create an opportunity for Metcalfe to show off his attacking prowess and bag a goal that has since been described since as 'better than average'.

Once that barrier was broken belief flooded the field and when the opportunity fell to Matt Campbell to put Witham ahead by a further two goals he took the chances gracefully, goals that were later described as 'better than Metcalfe's'.

With Witham crèche rotating in through the line up in the form of Mikey, Jacob and Noah Witham were flying towards another 3 points however this wasn't enough for Mikey who went on to add a fourth for Witham with a composed finish in the second half.

A massive shout out to Joe 'twinkle toes' Nicholes for making some outstanding saves and making a penalty flick save with his knuckle hair!

Disclaimer: I can not take responsibility for forgetting to mention players or actual game play and some things are fabricated in this report.

Scorer(s): Matt Campbell (3), Dan Metcalfe (2), Kieron Parkes

Player of the Match: Jay Valentine

Witham travelled to Southend for the first game of the reverse fixtures hoping to do the double over Southend who they beat 7-0 in the home fixture.

The game started at a frantic pace with the game being end to end for the first 10 minutes until Southend broke the deadlock, Witham responded quickly scoring from a short corner after some great build up play from MOM Jay Valentine, 1-1. Southend didn't sit back and continued to apply pressure to Witham with long crash balls through the lines which resulted in Southend regaining the lead, 2-1. Witham, frustrated by this Witham upped the intensity and controlled the game through midfield with Kieron Parkes, Carl Parkes, Cam Brown, Dan Metcalfe and Noah Eardley. This lead to another equaliser 2-2 going into the break.

Second half started with Witham being more dominate but a lapse of concentration at the back led to a short corner being given to Southend, Southend converted the short but questions were asked as to the first shot being too high as it hit a defenders chest on the line. 3-2 down Witham became the better side and scored 4 goals in quick succession and saw the game out to claim another 3 points.

Not the greatest of performances but 3 points gained. Witham host top of the table Havering at 2pm at home this coming weekend.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird

Player of the Match: Dan Metcalfe

Konichiwa, nihao it's the time for my match report for the game vs old south's and ( I'd like to reiterate) the ref the first half began how most usually do, we pressed high and won the ball- unfortunately Carl somehow unbenounced to the Witham side got a yellow card for something ( this began the saga of Witham vs the ref)- I will now skip forward to the second half as nothing else notable happened.

The second half started as the first did, we pressed well and mikey scored 5 mins after the second half began( it started to go downhill from here) the referee's attitude had changed and he became a super- referee and managed to view 'fouls' from the opposite end of the pitch- he then managed to see attempted murder from joe on their striker and after many minutes of deliberation with the referee, he was given a yellow and old south's was given a penalty flick against el capitano who valiantly dove the right way however the goal was slotted in to the bottom right corner to level up the scoring at 1-1, whilst joe was off, we played some of the best hockey of the match by just maintaining possession and when we lost the ball we pressed high and fast to win it back. Once joe came on, the legend himself Marc thought it was his turn to step off and got a green for dissent, the referees amazing performance was continued by giving bad calls when we had the ball and bad calls when we didn't. In the last 10 mins of the game we lost our heads when they dropped down and aided by the ref managed to score multiple goals, the second last goal in particular was hilarious as joe got the ball sent over him with a flick I tried to control the ball and I brought It down just for the attacker to bundle the ball in the final score was 6-1 to old south's

Motm- Dan for his fearlessness, poise and control in the midfield and not losing his head throughout the game.

Dotd- Noah (me) for many things can't even remember what it is.

Ed's anecdotes For Noah's match report...

1:30am msg asking for lift after already being assigned lift Trying to decipher their Vs there Asking who's playing in defence after Cam asked the question 15 seconds earlier; asking if Joe's playing Telling Cam to shut up Driving past McLaren saying "Stupid guy, stupid car, fuck you" Asking why YMCA song copied name of charity shop How many people it would take to make a bar of soap Falling on recliner chair

Scorer(s): Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott, Noah Eardley, Mikey Bird

Player of the Match: Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott

Although draws can often be turgid, boring, negative affairs, this game was anything but. Witham and Braintree served up a veritable hockey feast on Saturday with goals, some great hockey, some awful hockey and some controversy.

Witham started strongly and good possession combined with attacking minded play saw the home side create a number of opportunities. An early short corner saw Eardley not fighting and in a great position to finish a nice move and see Witham take the lead.

At this point Braintree rallied and the game became much more evenly poised, with both sides venturing forward with pace but defences on top as the scoreline remained unchanged.

But something had to give. After Joe stopped shouting momentarily to make his only save of the match and foil Braintree from the penalty spot, Braintree look advantage of some sloppy defensive play from the home side then finished a good short corner move themselves to level the scores. And it wasn't long before their noses were in front at 2-1 with Witham on the back foot and lacking confidence.

But rousing words from Captain Parkes K at half time saw the home side come out fighting and determined to pull the game back. Mazy midfield runs from Lawrence and Eardley, and good attacking play from Dixon and Bird, saw Witham find good positions high up the field and a succession of short corners saw the ball eventually break for Bird who made no mistake from close range to level the scoreline.

The game was finely poised but mistakes and lapses of concentration from Witham were proving dangerous and it was an error that lead Braintree finding themselves in front again at 3-2. The away team were playing good hockey and Witham had to dig deep to stay in the game. They did that and more, and again created opportunities. Despite some less than clinical finishing by the front line it took a defender to demonstrate the art of finding the back of the net. Witham had been awarded a flick late into the game after Parkes K was the subject of some viscous tackling in the D. Definitely a short corner offence and a flick was duly given. Gerrard-Abbott coolly stepped up, wound up and hit the ball high into the back of the net from the spot. Said Braintree. The goal stood so he must have pushed it.

The game finished 3-3. A fair result though Braintree (wrongly) didn't think so.

Witham consolidate their league position and look forward to pushing on for wins in December.

Scorer(s): None

Player of the Match: Kieron Parkes/Joel Tyson

Hakuna Matata

I suggested during teas that I'll try my utmost to limit my profanities for this match report. Instead, however, I will make use of alternative expressions to make this text appropriate and light-hearted in nature. This in turn will allow me to communicate my indignation following such a loss to a bunch of fudging Scunthorpes.

Witham Mens 1s 0 – Whingy fuchsias 2

What we learnt... The first rule of hockey is: you do not challenge Hazza on his reverse, The second rule of hockey is: you do not challenge Hazza on his reverse, Third rule of hockey: someone yells foul, falls over, or puts their arm up, it's a free hit to Waltham, Fourth rule: the umpires must be conscious i.e. aware of their surroundings,
Fifth rule: one incorrect decision at a time, fellas, Sixth rule: using your feet is fine, as long as you're Waltham, Seventh rule: incorrect decisions and blatant unsporting behaviour can be made throughout, as long as you're affiliated with Waltham, And the eighth and final rule: if this is your first game of hockey, I wouldn't be surprised if you felt the urge to move to Canada.

Twas an interesting game for Witham. The visitors witnessed what was perhaps the apex level to which a hockey match can be a stupendously stupid escapade – and, mind you, this is a rare attribute that happens once in a blue moon: an umpire with the greatest, long-sighted vision ever to exist. So much so that this man most likely has the sole knowledge of the existence of Elon Musk's secret population on Mars. Though the gentleman himself could not detect the difference between a foot and a hockey stick, he was confident that there was a foot inside of the D... from 60 yards away. Amid the deliberations, the visitors overheard a gentle lullaby: 'Hush little Waltham, don't say a word, Let's all act like little turds, While we know it was outside the D, the refs needn't know a fudging thing.'

1-0.

Anyway...

Unfortunately, Witham were without their bearded knight, Joseph Nickelodeon, after suddenly becoming indisposed, further exemplifying that steroids and messing about in broom cupboards is not the healthiest combination. Nevertheless, the visitors came equipped with a more-than-suitable replacement, Joel Hutz, who oversaw the proceedings and provided an exceptional and thorough defence in the case.

Jay put in a superb performance in midfield. So much so that fully grown men were reacting rather chuffed from tackling the 15-year-old (congratuwelldone!... ya numpties). WE LOVE YOU, JAY!

Noah did something. Well done Noah! (I can't remember what he did actually except foul two players three times in four seconds and get on the end of one of my many exceptional passes, then possibly win us a short corner? I'm not really sure. It becomes a blur very quickly. But he did a lot of ball watching and threatening his own players before the match!)

Centre-back Tom 'Sinco' Sinclair stopped a number of Waltham's attacks with ease. Clearly, it should be inferred that evading the giant rather than taking him head-on is a better course of action; that way, they may stand a chance in getting the better of him. Well, that or hope that he passes it straight to you... 2-0.

Capitán Keiron Parkez put on a dazzling display in midfield; his composure on the ball quashed Waltham's press for the umpteenth time (most of all, though, I did very much appreciate when he squared up to this hairy Bastogne who accused me of trying to knock him over – it kinda looked like a face-off between Schwarzenegger and DeVito).

Jacob the Gazelle dashed past Waltham's midfield and defenders like nobody's business, but fell short of the number of chances he typically creates... if only he was taller.

Still, even more dodgy decisions were called. The home team supporters, I.e. half of the entire region of East London, turned up for this great, sporting, extremely fair, not at all biased or controversial occasion to cheer Waltham on (and drastically influence the umpires decisions... twonkers).

Young Michelangelo was unlucky not to score this time around. An early opportunity for the star striker was sent narrowly wide of the goal, and a few more came about in the second half. But it wasn't to be... probably due to the their keeper using stilts and taking a pre-match dose of Grande caramel Frappuccino topped with red bull. As well, Marc Robotnik had a tough match upfront, but made plenty of creative runs. In particular, managing to keep a long ball down the line from going off the baseline (I did shed a tear. It was beautiful).

Archie 'Call on me' Mountier did a stellar job filling in at left-back and a guinness performance in the second half. He is a single, heterosexual male from Essex. 5 foot 7 (with wellies). Homeowner. Farmer. He has a whopping great big tractor for you to ride in. All day... EVERY day. Dislikes rain.

Later into the second half, Carlos Parkez sent a number of desperate long balls to Ed the vegan, but the bobblinessness was too much to handle (I stopped two out of three, give me a break). Other notable Carlos highlights – or rather the only moments I can remember – involved him telling Hazza to shut it, and his courteous and triumphant devouring of two-and-a-half platefuls of leftover chilli.

A 2-0 loss in the end left us rather depleted.

Joint(?) MOM: Kieron and Joel. DOD: Me for repeatedly imitating their forwards with a high-pitched voice (basically I provided match commentary that was of greater substance than Gary Neville and less dull-sounding than Jermaine Jenas – but, ultimately, I was forced into writing this match report by demand).

Nevertheless, on the 23rd March 2023 (time tbd), we must retaliate. We must bring as many supporters as we can. We must bring as many cows as we can from Archie's farm. Every eagle across the land. All of Witham (apart from the London commuters, they are the enemy). On that day we need to fudge them right over and shove it so far up their ASOS that doves will cry and we will fly like an eagle. This is my message to you-ou-ou!

Up. The. Yellow. Peril.

Scorer(s): Marc (3), Mikey (3), Dan (2), Kieron (1), Stumpy (1)

Player of the Match: Marc

After a strong performance two weeks ago against Plashet, followed by a slip date, Witham 1s were hoping to keep up their good form against Brentwood 2s. Witham started strongly, applying pressure to Brentwood which lead to captain Kieron slipping the ball to Marc, who slotted it past the keeper to get Witham an early lead. The midfield line of Cam, Parkes, Kieron, Jacob, Archie and Dan maintained this pressure leading to Witham securing three more goals in the first half.

With a 4-0 lead at half time, coach Neil set Witham the hard task of reaching 10 goals and keeping a clean sheet.

With a strong squad of 14, the rotating forward line of Marc, Mikey, Stumpy and Noah worked hard making great leading runs to create opportunities. The relentless attacks from the forwards helped secure 5 more goals for Witham, which included a well deserved hat trick from man of the match Marc.

Now leading 9-0 and only one goal short of their target, Witham kept the ball in Brentwood's half trying to score once more. After a save by Brentwood's keeper the ball came lose in front of the goal and was picked up by Cam, who being the only 1s player not to score a goal last year, saw his chance to redeem himself. With an open goal in-front of him, Cam calmly pushed the ball straight onto the post. Luckily the 1s highest goal scorer of the year so far, Mikey, was there to finish the job and secure his 2nd hat trick of the year.

With less than 2 minutes remaining of the match and Witham leading 10-0, Brentwood made a counter attack. Witham's goalkeeper, Joe, who hadn't seen much of the ball saw his chance to get involved. With Brentwood chasing down the ball Joe came charging out his goal, full of confidence, attempting to sweep the ball away. Unfortunately, Joe missed the ball giving Brentwood a golden opportunity to ruin Witham's clean sheet. Witham's defence of Sinco, Harry and Ed who had remained a solid unit all game, stopping any chances that Brentwood had, stayed strong and squandered Brentwood's last chance.

Next week the 1s have a Bye, so they are looking to maintain their winning streak in two weeks time at home against rivals Maldon.

Scorer(s): Marc Tovell, Kieron Parkes, Mikey Bird, Edwyn Gerrard-Abbott

Player of the Match: Dan Metcalfe

Gutentag, hola, bonjour the time has come for my latest match report the affair was played in Stratford against plashet, the match started with our team pressing high on the plashet defence, when they got the ball past us we tracked back well and won the ball back with nifty defending from Joel, Harry, ed as well as Witham's midfield. Mikey managed to win the penalty flick and ed stepped up as per usual ( apart from last week) and slotted it into the back of the net ( get in) unfortunately the plashet forward line had a bit of an addiction to diving on the floor and appealing to the ref which to their credit gave them a short corner which was brilliantly saved by our keeper Joseph at the other end of the pitch mikey made it two- nil with a brilliant run resulting in a lovely worked goal. Unfortunately Joel got accused of a bad tackle and was given a green in punishment.

Our hard work and commitment to defence continued in the second half but unfortunately at certain points in the game our defence was pryed open by the attackers and we gave away two goals in quick succession bringing the scores level at 2-2

My hot head was quite apparent in the second half with me almost getting Into Minor quarrels with one of their midfielders ( what's new?) elsewhere, Marc ( who I would like to apologise to for my silly comment about his lucky goal in my previous match report against Chelmsford) He made a legendary run and dribbled the ball through plashet's defenders to slip it under the goalie to put us ahead in the proceedings ( what a legend he is) we worked really well in both defence and attack and with the calm words of Neil from the sidelines, we felt unstoppable then, in the last minute of the game cam won a short corner and we slotted the goal past the keeper to get our final score (4-2)

Motm- Dan, great midfield performance commanded the game and was cool headed through out ( unlike myself)

Dotd- Noah ( who else?)

Scorer(s): Josh Mepham (3), Marc Tovell

Player of the Match: Jacob Lawrence

Good morrow all, now this may seem odd that I am writing and sending a match report at this time however I have some catching up to do ( this may not be the most accurate match report due to happening weeks ago) we started our game on the offensive, with many chances in their D (Wheey). Josh was there and scored two goals in the first half whilst Chelmsford managed to sneak two goals past goalkeeper Geoff (unlucky mate) My quarrel with the entire city of Chelmsford began late in the first half when I got pushed off the ball by a chelmsfordian youth and I got a bit hotheaded (apologies all). The first half began much like the first but with no resulting goal. Unfortunately Chelmsford managed to slip a goal round our defensive line and make the scoring 2-3 Chelmsford, then, with a stroke of luck Marc managed to bundle the ball across the line to level the scoring- the saga continued with my quarrel/ friendly arguement/ healthy debate with my opponents, This resulted in squaring up, shoving and an exchanging of kind words with many of the opposition players, in addition to this, two more old and frail men in the midfield had elbows out on me and I was going to have them if it wasn't for Neil's soothing words which calmed me down considerably- unfortunately 10 minutes before the end of the match, the Chelmsford players managed to force the ball through geoffs pads for the goal to make it 3-4 however seconds before the end of the match Josh managed to win a penalty flick and stepped up to make it 4-4 ( sorry ed it didn't have to end like this…)

Motm- Jacob for his pure lankiness, poise and power to set up many of our goals as well as wining the ball many a times ( using that lengthy trait as in fifa hey Jacob?) Dotd- me (who else?) for my quarrels plural as well as kind exchanges of words with the opposition in addition to this Joel said I didn't know my lefts and rights, it was so long ago I don't really remember it all

Goodbye all and I'll see you next week for my next instalment of Dotd match report.

Scorer(s): Mikey Bird

Player of the Match: Tom Sinclair

We pushed the ball back to our own team it was then played out swiftly in the glimmering sun out to Joel he then played the neon orange ball back to sinco (who was man of the match this weekend) hurrying things along… Havering kept the majority of possession in the first 10 minutes, we were pushed back into our own half however once we won the ball on a number of occasions we made a swift counter-attack which resulted in a number of nice chances which we were unlucky not to capitalise on. Unfortunately they managed to slipped the ball under Geoff to make it 1-0 to Havering. By this time though, we were switched on and getting many chances in their box. Myself was able to get onto a wonderous ball passed through the defence by Harry I was able to get to it and made a reverse pass with one hand on my stick across the goal towards mickey, however I had underestimated the speed at which he was travelling and it just slipped behind him which would have brought the scores up to 1-1. I then managed to get under one of the Havering midfielders as he was backing up into me, resulting in him falling over me backwards (silly boy!) By this point in the game we were holding a lot of the possession and winning a lot of loose balls thanks to our defensive line along with Cameron and Carl. Along with this we had numerous chances, whilst not being able to capitalise on them, we looked strong. Then, as if to attempt to put us down they scored a very lucky tap-in which was incredibly lucky for Havering (emphasis on lucky) to make the score 2-0. At this point I was quite fired up and trying to win the ball everywhere I could, (the same could be said for everyone in in the team.) On the left side of the pitch I had lost the ball on the side line after running into a dead-end, practically gifting the opposition the ball, fortunately I was able to sprint back around him and make a diving challenge to put the ball out of play. The player who i tackled was appealing for the ball with the utmost obliviousness (whining for the ball was Havering's speciality this week) he threw his stick at me but I put him back in his place when I squared up to him with gusto (don't mess with witham girlies!) obviously we had the ball and we were playing very well at this time especially at the back when we played it round the defence numerous times which set us up further up the pitch where we could run onto a perfect ball and make great opportunities.

HALF TIME: 2-0 to havering

The second half started as the first did squad wise but our effort and all round plays was far better than at the start of the first. Both Jacob and I were able to improve on the first half and we were able to get in front of the ball on both of the wings to pick some off and get some turnovers or to just put pressure on the ball holder sinco was always able to pick off the ball when they were on the counter attack and we got up the pitch with much more energy. Having persistently were appealing for the ball with every chance they got but we put them in their place and were able to get a lot of chances up the pitch, furthermore our form was great. We gave we gave away 2 short corners in quick succession which havering managed to hit the post on the first one. Unfortunately they scored a third time (however this goal was a clear foul by their team as well as the ball going off the baseline as it was being brought into the box but we move…) At this time havering we're starting to time waste by passing the ball around their defence but we kept our form and was able to close down any possible chances they were trying to produce and mickey managed to pick the ball off of one of their central defenders and drove into the box uncontested and slotted the ball into the back of the goal to put the scores to 3-1 and to shut the havering players up and the game ended around a minute later. In conclusion we played well in both half's both defensively and on the attack and managed to get a goal in the last few minutes of the game but overall was a solid performance from all the lads.

FINAL SCORE: 3-1 to havering

Goals: Mikey-1

Motm: sinco for a great defensive performance and for picking off so many balls of their attacking players and shutting their attacks. Dotd: me (Noah) for getting in a slight quarrel in the game hence why I am writing this match report (curse my self vote.)